Written By: Heather Rolland, LCSW and Dr. Beata Lewis

“Work will never love you back.” My friend shared this sage aphorism with me, and my knee jerk response was defensive: of course my work loves me back. My colleagues are talented professionals I respect and admire, and the administrative team supports us with warmth, authenticity, and that seamless sense of safety. When I wonder how to handle something, they are always right there, the situation handled with grace and aplomb. I feel respected and beloved. … Wait, what was that noise? Did you hear a screeching of brakes?

Feeling beloved at work might be a red flag. It’s definitely a yellow one. Work is a huge part of our lives, an arena in which deepest fears about survival can get kicked up (money issues, anyone?), and powerful notions of identity may either be formed and supported or eroded. Whether it’s feeling beloved or feeling abandoned, when strong emotions come up in the workplace, take heed. There may be a growth opportunity lurking within what looks suspiciously like plain old workplace drama.

Because of its structure with bosses, managers, colleagues, and those who assist us, and also due to its centrality in our lives, work can easily mimic family. For many of us, work has the potential to become an emotional minefield in which we stumble innocently into our own childhood issues, with colleagues standing in for siblings and bosses for parents. How we navigate these triggers and concomitant emotional ebbs and flows can feel like trying to thread a needle without your glasses in a leaky boat on stormy seas. We know what we need to do and it’s not that hard, but everything works against our ability to be successful.

I’m going to belabor that analogy and take it apart step by step, to offer some support and guidance when the workplace feels difficult.

Threading a needle.

Are your tasks at work within your skillset? Threading a needle is easy for a seamstress, but might be really tricky for someone who’s never done it before. Are you new to your work tasks, or have you just changed careers? Has your workplace modernized in a way that leaves you scrambling? I’m old enough to remember the introduction of electronic medical records in health care – the impact on morale and workplace stress was eye-poppingly negative.

Perhaps the actual work is your place of comfort and confidence. Whatever your relationship to your tasks, the point here is to be aware of that relationship – acknowledge if you need time or assistance to improve your abilities. If you excel at work, celebrate your skills. It’s ok to know you’re good at your job, even if you are in that leaky boat, pitching upon roiling seas. Your needle might not get threaded as swiftly or elegantly as you’d prefer, but that doesn’t mean you’re a terrible needle-threader. The deck may be stacked against you.

Without your glasses.

Do you have the tools you need? Literal tools, digital apps, or emotional techniques all count as tools you may need to be successful in your workplace. If you work from home, you may need a chair that allows you to make it through the day without a backache. Glasses, headsets, ear buds, comfy pants… what do you need to ensure your body is reasonably comfortable? Consider asking colleagues or others in your field what tools have helped them the most. Then scour freecycle groups or Facebook marketplace for bargains.

The right apps, software, and appropriate training in their use can make a huge difference in your stress level at work. Given that remote work is still prevalent in some fields, the combination of software, hardware, and devices can be dizzying but often these gizmos are critical to communication and other basic functions.

Improving your access to tools might not be within your control, but if you can, stay open to making tweaks to be more comfortable. They won’t make up for the leaky boat, but they may act as a temporary life vest.

On a leaky boat.

The leaky boat is your workplace – the organization, agency, or business you work for. How is the organization doing overall? Is your department as a whole reasonably healthy and functional? Can you detect structural issues, or agency-wide problems? If a workplace has undergone collective trauma (downsizing, for example), the folks that remain may well be functioning in survival mode. None of us are at our best when we’re trying to heal from trauma and carry on, but it might help you to understand what you’re seeing in colleagues if you consider it from this point of view.

On stormy seas.

These storms may be personal or industry-wide. Stressors that are endemic to your profession are out of your control but they will impact your ability to thread that needle – and that impact is likely to be unpredictable, frustrating, and disappointing.

Given all this, how can you avoid re-experiencing childhood trauma at work, and better manage your emotions? And maybe even find some joy in work?

First things first: notice what’s happening inside you.

Notice your physical and emotional responses to work and pay attention to how you manage discomfort in that environment. What happens around you and how do you respond to it? This first step is about teasing apart normal irritations and annoyances present in all workplaces and much of life. Are you just superficially irked, or are you more upset than the situation warrants? If work is really getting under your skin, take some time alone to sift through what’s happening and how you’re feeling. And - this is key – admit to yourself if you’ve lost perspective and are more upset and distressed than the situation itself demands. This is the “cap left off the toothpaste” fight that we have with housemates – the thing you’re upset about is rarely the thing that’s really wrong. Your work situation is the fuse, but something inside you is the bomb.

Step two is to name it.

Tell yourself what’s happening – admit to it and give it a name. This might look like “I feel abandoned by my supervisor.” Or “I don’t feel safe at work.” Understanding that these big deep childhood feelings about safety or abandonment are coming up can in and of itself be helpful – it’s a relief to understand “oh, that’s what this miserable fixation on who fills the copier with blank paper is all about.”

Step three is to feel it.

This step is unpleasant at best and really brutal at worst. It might feel like the billionth time you’ve had to face and feel these old wounds, but there really isn’t any other option. Feel your feelings. Take to your bed and sob for as long as you need to. Write, draw, sing, or scream into a pillow, and if you have a friend who can hold this with you – talk. There is a part of you that is wounded and just plain needs to be experienced, with gentleness, respect, and patience.

Step four is perhaps the hardest of all: let work be work.

Allow yourself to disconnect the workplace from childhood issues, no matter how much echo you might hear. Use contemplative practices like meditation or creative visualization to unplug present tense workplace issues from the very real and painful parts of you they activate. The pesky irritations of the workplace won’t evaporate simply because you disconnect them from your deeper associations, but with time and practice they can be just that: pesky irritations, and nothing more. This isn’t a dismissive “don’t sweat the small stuff” suggestion, but rather an invitation to acknowledge that there are aspects of the workplace you cannot control. Find and revel in the parts you can control – the areas of creative joyful and deeply fulfilling parts of your job. The work seascape might be stormy and the boat leaky but perhaps the sunsets are incredible.

If you’re struggling with being triggered at work or in other areas of your life, therapy can help. At every step of the process, therapy can help you feel less alone, more supported, and offer guidance and a sense of safety as you sail these rough seas. To begin the process, email us at info@mindbody7.com.

Mind Body Seven clinicians offer treatment in Brooklyn and via teletherapy for adolescents and adults. If have not worked with us and want to get started please contact us here, so we can set you up with the clinicians that best suit your individual needs. If you are an existing patient get in touch with us here to set up your next appointment.

When Work Mirrors Family: Navigating Emotional Ties and Professional Growth